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Trying again

I have been venting to the wrong people and fretting about stuff that irritates others. I've grown seriously insecure about all my friendships because of a series of harsh texts from my sister. I think I need to return to LJ for my sanity. Things were good for a long time and now they are better than ever, but I don't feel like I'm living better than ever. I'm not happy about where my head is at and I need to fix that for myself.


Shoot, so this is married?

It's not just me being bitchy. While scentedwoods might be right about booze and meds, I don't think I'm all alone in the bitchfest. It just feels that way cause I get mad and Jeff gets martyred.

Last night Jeff and I got into a tiff over a dirty feather pillow he decided to wash and then abandon in the washing machine for a day. Despite repeated reminders, there it sat. It was late, we were grumpy and it was fast and dumb, 5 minutes tops--whether to toss the pillow or rewash it, whether he should put on a robe and toss it down the trash chute 15 feet from our door or whether it could wait in a plastic bag till the next day. I wanted now cause I didn't want the pillow to sit in a bag for two days by the door, he wanted tomorrow cause he was tired. Instead of just letting it go as a no biggie, we fumed, and Jeff decided he was too upset to go to bed and sat up till 3 AM reading.

I don't think it's just me here having the big reactions and loud anger. It's him too. But instead of being super mad about stuff, he gets upset, hurt and pulls back--while still not doing the stuff I want him to do, which fuels our cycle where no one is nice and everyone is put upon.

Jeff is trying to get back into night school mode while he contemplates buying property with his mom; I'm feeling strange leaving Stanford and clearing out my office, starting a new career and a new job while also wrestling with changing banks, changing my name and completely revamping my life. Neither feels well supported by the other and both of us feel stretched and resentful.

When we first moved in together, we had this weird month of being miserable. There was no reason, no rhyme, we just didn't get along and everything felt disastrous. We even looked at each other one day and asked aloud if we made a mistake. It was the growing pains of moving in together and then one day it was gone. I think we're doing that again. But this time it's growing pains of being married. I have no idea how long this will last, but it is not pleasant. I am jealous of people who got married and just fell into bliss--but I know plenty of friends who didn't have that experience. So, I'm not surprised. Just grumpy.

Reading over what I've written I know I need to pull back a little, take care of myself, and be a little less demanding of Jeff and myself. My goal is to be kind and positive to both of us. Let shit go and fume a less.


Who the hell is that bitch on wheels?

Lately, I have been a total bitch to Jeff and I have no explanation for why. Things aren't exactly stressful right now as I have an impending break between new and old job that should last 2 weeks. We're doing well financially. I am well fed and somewhat exercised. I'm medicated properly for all my illnesses. I can't figure it out. I have a sinking suspicion it might be booze related. I'd been drinking a bit lately--and when I say 'a bit' I mean a glass of wine with dinner, 2 weak cocktails over the course of a 6 hour party, etc. I have been drinking almost daily for the last few days and I wonder if the grumpiness is some weird withdrawal. Maybe I'm just nervous about the new job? but that seems so far away. In any case, I can't believe how sharp I am with Jeff, who is nothing but sweet to me, and that I don't even notice it. Even after the words are out of my mouth I don't realize it. Everything he does (or doesn't do) is so damn annoying and I just pick on him.

This weekend was lovely, but Sunday I stalked around the house unable to relax in my own home. It was just weird to be so amped up and angry about nothing. This despite adventures at the fruit market that included fresh kumamoto oysters, an amazing clam pasta dish, super fresh tomatoes, a birthday party for a beloved friend with awesome pasta, and a day at the beach followed by grilled mackerel and unbelievably tasty grilled Moroccan style veggies. And I worked out! And I went to a beach burn in honor of the Man. And it was all fun!

Still, feeling like an awful nasty person.

Regretting the HARD sell

I just called the hiring manager at feds to take back my acceptance and got the hard sell for the position, the agency, and the federal government itself as an employer. I also heard a mild smack down on the city as an employer. Damn it. Why am I finding this so hard? I made my choice, but I just need to exorcise my regret demons. I realize that the minute I said 'yes' to them the feds started spending money on me in all sorts of retarded ways--scheduling training sessions, crazy back ground check stuff, and IT set up. I KNOW this woman really likes me and sees me as her replacement in 7-10 years. It's in her best interest to get me in the door, even with my regrets for other opportunities missed and salary lost.

I heard the whole spiel of how the feds will be a stable employer even as local government tanks. She explained how this is a wonderful and rare opportunity with the feds fast-tracking me to a very senior level position in no time at all. And, she went on, the work I do has broad influence across many agencies while encompassing a variety of topics. And then there is the travel. And, not to worry she assured me, GS-14 positions will open up (she didn't say that a travel eastward wouldn't help). On one side of her mouth she said San Francisco is a desireable place to work and everyone wants to be here and on the other when I asked about competition for senior positions she said no one would move here cause of the locality pay.

Then the smack down on the city. She pointed out how they are in serious financial crisis and when they think lay offs, they usually toss the most recent hires. The work itself, she explained, won't really have broad reach--it's just San Francisco concerns. The city itself, she intoned, is a much smaller employer than the feds and there won't be much of a chance to move up. And the competition after you hit step 5 she implied, good luck finding that next promotion.

Then she played on how there is movement between levels and hinted that it would be easy for me to go from fed to city if I wanted later in the future.

She really laid it on me and it was TOUGH resisting (so I stopped trying and told her I would email her with my final decision). All these points she made are ones I debated myself--she is totally right. The bottom line is, both opportunities are freaking awesome for the different paths they offer my career. There is no way for me to really KNOW which is better. So, I'm going for the obvious variety of experience, the riskier work setting, and the big bucks. No more regrets. Well, some when I whine tonight to Jeff about the phone call, before I send the 'no thanks' email.



Jeff just called me and I announced that tonight is SNACK ATTACK. I explained I am hella menstuatey and stressed and require many snacks of tasty things tonight. And, that he is required to join me in SNACK ATTACK night. And we need pizza. The "and we need pizza" part caused some protest, but I explained there was no room for debate. I need salty things, sweet things, and cookie things that are of the chocolate chip kind. And I require so many I can alternate bites of each. And there should be Venture Brothers, Eureka and Project Runway. I might offer that Jeff drink beer so that he has some 'in' for enjoying SNACK ATTACK. Maybe.



Last night my mother's nose started bleeding profusely starting at 9 PM. At 10 PM we called 911; at 11 PM we were in UCSF hospital because she had been told there are PH specialists there; at 4:45 AM we were discharged with her nose still bleeding, no PH consultations, and poor medical attention at best. We spent most of those wee morning hours WAITING.

Waiting to find space in the ER, waiting for someone to look in on her, waiting for an ENT to cauterize and treat the bleeding, etc., etc. They didn't have any pillows, were unwilling to get her a new cup of water (despite the fact that the one she had was covered in blood--apparently the water was clean), and just generally 'humored us' when we talked about our concerns for her health. I'm grateful Jeff stayed with me as we waited and fumed and worried interminably.

My mother didn't help matters (for me) because, as she seemed to get better, her complaints grew more vociferous. I suspect as she got better she noticed her poor condition (she had two big packs in her nose and was told she has to mouth breath for two days straight--through the groom's dinner and other family events) and was feeling her exhaustion (they were on East Coast time after all). I found myself worrying about everyone: Jeff missing work the next day and being stuck with my family, my dad for being exhausted himself, and of course my mom--myself included as I haven't been getting sleep and was counting on at least a full night on Tuesday before family arrived. Lack of sleep and stress do no good for my various health conditions either.

Despite a sneaking desire of my mom's to stay in my house, at 5:30 AM I put her and my dad in a cab and sent them to their hotel in Marin. My place is too small, I have too much stress already, and I need my mental space to get through the next few days. I feel guilty for shunting them off in a cab, but there was no way we could have driven them after the night we had and no way I could have them in my house. At 6:00 AM I was wiping gobs of my mother's blood off my bathroom and that was as much as I could manage.

I called her at noon today and she tells me her nose is still bleeding. Maybe they can get better care in Marin than in San Francisco. I'm heart sick over her health, angry that this is happening right now and running on 4.5 hours sleep.


Konkani Kismet

As I was walking out of the Dean's Office around noon today who should I see but my cousin Shivram and his wife Sujatha. It was a total fluke--they had no idea I worked at Stanford (I guess my mom never told them) and I had no idea they would be visiting that day (or that their son was attending summer camp on campus this week). It was a shock and the bestest surprise. I haven't seen them in 8+ years! They are planning on attending the wedding, but it was really fun to end up snapping shots of them in front of the Memorial Church and then go to Burmese cuisine in downtown PA for lunch. They were so nice and the pleasantest part was hearing Konkani spoken.

Konkani (or sometimes spelt Konkanee) is the native tongue of my family (English is my native tongue, although I was taught both languages at the same time as a child). I don't speak it anymore and I'm not sure I can. When I tried at age 12 during a visit to India, my cousins all made fun of my accent saying I sounded like a christamanchi (literal translation is "like a Christian person"). It was like music--the sound of chattering family. My parents rarely speak it to me now and I only hear it when there are enough Konkinas around to make it worth their while. Shivram and Sujatha happened to be sightseeing with two older, parent-age Konkinas on their first trip to the US--so speaking the native tongue or Amchighela (literally means 'our language' in Konkani) was a given.

I'm getting a good feeling about this wedding business and family invasions. What luck seeing them! Seriously, I never leave my office during the and according to Sujatha, Shivram had resisted walking down toward the Church as they were all so hot.

My parents land in SFO in about 3 hours.


5 days and counting

The wedding is days away. Days. I'm finally starting to get excited and even a little nervous. My family starts arriving tomorrow. There are small items to be done, but basically everything is ready; we even packed our honeymoon bags. Finally, my to-do lists seem to be getting shorter!

This weekend I actually socialized in large groups for the first time in what feels like forever and even got to speak with people! We went to a BBQ for the Ambient Mafia (a DJ group) and the music was fabulous; then we went to the Mission for Rue, Gabe and Cyrelle's BBQ party where I saw illegal fireworks shot way too low in the sky and ate brownie flag cake covered in whipped cream and strawberries, raspberries and blueberries. Mmmm.

Saturday and Sunday I spent loads of money on lingerie, travel underwear for Jeff (quick dry and light), presents for the bridal party, a crazy halter bra and fakey suck-that-gut-panties (cause I don't really need to struggle to get into and out of my underwear--thus the fake part) and ridiculous eye shadow. Tomorrow and Thursday I will return some of it, but I'm probably keeping the fur lined white, sheer baby doll nightie and the string thong with butt veil. BUTT VEIL. It's too hilarious not to. I don't think any of it is sexy.

Sunday, I gave Saman a 'bridal party' gift because she has been an amazing bridesmaid without having the title of bridesmaid. She went dress shopping with me, bra shopping, make up shopping (and is even lending me what I'm missing make up wise cause when will I use that stuff again anyway) and made sure to come over for every zappos shoes order that came through my house (for the laughs at the very least). Oh yeah, and she edited my resume and cover letter to perfection for the fed job. And shopping with me is HARD cause I hate it so bad and whine a whole bunch--but she took it like a champ.

We both seemed pleased with my choice--a turquoise eel skin (she knew it was eel right off) mini-clutch. A little bigger than a wristlet, smaller than a clutch but big enough for her phone, ID and money. I hope the other ladies in my party like what I got them--or at least fake it as well as Saman.


Yay! the wedding fast approaches

This weekend baby sister James is coming to town. WOO-HOO! I LOVE HER! She's coming tomorrow afternoon to help host my bridal shower on Saturday. Another WOO-HOO! There are something like 5 co-hosts(you might say 5.5 as Kameya, my flower girl, is also working on this party)for this thing and all seem super enthusiastic. Originally, James was ditching me Friday night and Saturday morning to help with cooking and set-up--leaving me on my own. With Jeff out of town all weekend for his bachelor party in Las Vegas, I was feeling a little deserted. Here my sis is in town, but not to hang with me! She hasn't been to CA since 2005! So, even though they wanted to keep the theme a secret, I have weaseled my way into hanging with them while they prepare on Friday night. My sister called me a stinker, but with much affection. Jeff has decided to call me weasel. And gucky basically called it when she laughingly pointed out that the minute I heard a bunch of people are getting together and I'm not invited I think it must be fun and NEED to join in--even if everyone is just cooking (which I hate to do). It's true. I'm a joiner. But what can they expect, when 5 of my closest friends and my favorite kid are all getting together on a Friday night without me to celebrate me! how can I stay away?

And, I also organized a Girl's Night out to see Sex In the City on Saturday night. A few short hours after I sent the evite I already had 9 RSVPs with a yes. Fun.

give me the strength to do what I want

I'm having difficulty focusing. I think it's Ok if I goof off a little as I've been on the ball and getting enough done up till this point, but I could be lying to myself. Sigh. Fingers crossed it's the former and not the latter.

Lunch time has become a boondoggle in my brain because I suddenly have too many options all which appeal and not appeal for contradictory reasons. Choices A-CCollapse )